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Saturday, March 3rd, 2001
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9:12 pm - Crazy shit...
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Well, had an OK night. Hung out with keg and had a few drinks with him and some friends. Then we just went home and had a quiet one. A couple more beers, a few bongs, some yummy food that Daisy left us. Chris did his usual 2am drop off. So I got up then and said hi to him...then promptly fell back asleep.
I need to quit smoking pot. No really. It's doing nasty things to me. My skin is all bad...although that is probably from my allergies, I am getting headaches again, I'm always tired, and I am coughing up this odd substance...I know you are all thrilled to have that information. Fact is, I feel like shit, mind you, I have felt like shit for years....when I think about it though, there was a period in the last 6 years during which I felt quite good...the 2 years I got off all substances...mind you I also became a recluse, lost 10kg and became addicted to the net...so it's not much of a trade off really. I am more afraid of getting depressed again. I quit smoking, I get anxious, I get fidgety, I think too much, I stress too much...etc etc...I know that I should deal with all my problems in a rational way in order to move on...but hey...I'm having fun in the mean time.
I'm very exhausted now because I only had like an hour of sleep last night and a full day of work today. Yesterday did not go at all how I envisioned it might but it was fanatstic. Actually, better than fantastic since I've been glowing practically all day. I'll go into more details in a later, now I'm just leaving...
current mood:  listless
current music: 3 libras - apc
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| Sunday, February 11th, 2001
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2:18 pm - Mental Illness...
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kay, people. as you may already know, i am quite a problematic person, what this whole depression thing, my pathetically suicidal past, and now the fact that i'm a cutter. i don't know, maybe i'm just a hyprochondriac. but either way, i need to get this outta my system.
and i don't mean this as a joke, please don't take it that way. all the things i say on here are true, and aren't meant to offend anyone. if it seems like i'm joking about these illnesses, i'm probably just sheltering myself from what they really are. don't hate me. that would just give me a whole new load of problems. by the way, i got some of this info from gurl.com
illness #1: Panic Disorder
What it is:
Repeated periods of fear or discomfort that develop without warning, along with a racing heartbeat. Panic attacks can cause sufferers to feel anxious all the time, or to avoid places or activities where attacks often set in, disrupting daily life and often causing depression. This depression may lead the sufferer to turn to drugs or alcohol, which actually worsen anxiety and increase the panic attacks. The disorder is more common in women and usually begins when victims are in their twenties, often after a traumatic event.
Symptoms:
intense apprehension, fearfulness, or terror
racing or pounding heartbeat
dizziness or lightheadedness
chest pain or heart palpitations
shortness of breath of feeling of smothering
sweating
trembling or shaking
nausea or abdominal distress
hot or cold flashes
sense of unreality
fear of dying, losing control, or going crazy
i think this is a possibilty, but if it is it's not that bad. i'm paranoid about my eyes, that's the biggie. my eyes, and knives. i can't hold a piece of paper sometimes because i can imagine it going into my eyes. i was in english the other day and i just saw and felt the paper make a paper cut through my eyelid and slit my eyeball open. i almost screamed and ran out of there, and I was crying and trying not to let anyone see. very embarassing.
illness #2: Depression
What it is:
Feelings of depression that persist for at least two weeks and interfere with the ability to function--not just feeling "blue." One of the most common mental illnesses, depression tends to run in families and can strike at any age. Depressive disorder is any form of depression serious enough to require treatment. There are several forms of depression, including bipolar, seasonal affective disorder (SAD), unipolar, and dysrhythmic disorder (neurotic depression), and they can overlap with one another.
Symptoms:
frequent sadness or crying
feelings of hopelessness
lack of energy, feelings of fatigue and "burnout"
feelings of worthlessness and of inappropriate guilt
lessened pleasure in previously enjoyed activities
persistent boredom
social isolation and poor communication
recurring suicidal thoughts, wishing to die, or attempting suicide
increased irritability, anger, or hostility
physical symptoms like frequent complaints of headaches and stomachaches
inability to concentrate or indecisiveness
change in appetite and unexplained significant weight loss or gain
change in sleeping patterns
ok, now this is a given. need i explain?
illness #3: Manic Depressive Illness (bipolar disorder)
What it is:
Mood swings from extremely elevated (happy) to severely depressed. Each phase may last up to three months individually, or a person might feel both extremes at once. Medically known as bipolar mood disorder, it usually starts in adult life before the age of 35. It may start in adolescence or earlier. People whose parents have it are more likely to develop it themselves.
Symptoms: (of the manic stage)
severe mood changes; excessively good, happy, or irritable
unrealistically high self-esteem, often with grandiose delusions of a close connection to God or celebrities
hyperactivity; talking quickly, jumping from one topic to another without appropriate connections, refusal to allow interruptions, making plans to do too many things at once; spending large amounts of money,br>inability to concentrate
decreased need for sleep
sudden irritability
high risk-taking behavior, such as sexual promiscuity or reckless driving
Symptoms: (of the depressive stage)
depression, indifference, feelings of sadness and worthlessness, unexplained crying spells
loss of pleasure from previously enjoyed activities
frequent complaints of physical ailments, aches, and pains
low energy
loss of memory or concentration
thoughts of suicide or death
major changes in diet or sleep patterns
once again, pretty self-explanatory.
so if any of y'all have followed my diary, leave me a note. tell me what ya think i have. or call me a hyponchondriac. either way...
current mood:  calm
current music: nothing right now
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| Saturday, February 10th, 2001
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11:29 am - Cleaning House...
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yeah well. i deleted all my other journal entries. i dont want to portray myself as something im not. this doesnt mean im letting everything slide. cause thats not me either. im not. i wont. and never will i. im really fucking angry.
i dont know why i am sad right now..i mean like i am home and away from shit at skool, but for some reason tonite has just really brought me down. katie is coming over to watch silence of the lambs with me...cuz hannibal is tomorrow nite!!! no one is here they all went out haha i dont even know where, i'm making valentine cookies with my mommy tomorrow, cuz we are gonna bond haha. my mom rules :) anyway thats all right now..
current mood:  artistic
current music: "Back to the Primative" -soulfly
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